Sunday, March 30, 2008

B'G'D!

So we went to the store.

As you know, the choice in infant helmets is quite overwhelming these days.

Yet so important – Baby’s first helmet, and we don’t want him to look gauche!

At first, we gravitated towards the Fonda-Nella – you know, the model with its cute little layer of overlapping pentagonal polyprop plates that shift to accommodate your baby’s growing brain and the impact the world might have upon it? (Literal impact, of course!) But then Ted complained of how the design reminded him of plate tectonics, which we as devout Christians do not approve of, which in turn led to the Fonda-Nella getting the shaft.

Next, our attention turned to the no less than formidable Oei!Schoei!, which when Baby becomes Toddler also comely morphs into the darnedest lil’ tricycle helmet you’ve ever seen! Visor down, and tyke-man looks like the Terminator, I swear b’g’d! Which somehow made Ted, bless his peachy heart, feel just a tad bit threatened in his manhood. Now, hear, would I ever forget that Ted’s the True Man about the house? Like I wouldn’t let him and the boy take turns on those awful sweet breasts of mine? Like I wouldn’t!

In the course of all this oohing and aahing and measuring and hatting up Baby, our charming sales clerk mentioned there is still a horde of folks out there who dare to bare-dome it! In this day and age! I mean, what’s the alternative? Pay some illegal immigrant like fifty-seven kay to baby-proof the hood?

Finally we were introduced to the Rattler, a steel suspension cage (Real Leather Straps!) with some serious gladiatorial appeal. Baby got strapped in and banged his head against the wall as hard as he could, and he didn’t stop smiling for even a sec!

So the Rattler it was.

“Now I can finally try to bash in the little bugger’s head for real!” Ted exclaimed while extracting his Visa from his wallet. And although I knew my hubbie was, like, so totally joking, his remark served to make me upgrade our purchase to the Ultra-Deluxe model with its outward facing set of stainless spikes. Jes’ makin’ the world a safer place, one baby at a time!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello, am just beginning your novel - the Dalkey archives translation. I am wondering if you will be doing any readings in the near future in the US? Perhaps you could let us know via blog...

PV said...

The only one booked for now is April 10, at 7, in Atlanta. Organized by the Georgia Tech Barnes and Noble, but venue still to be determined.