Saturday, April 19, 2008

BRANDY AND GOO

One night she turned inexplicably diaphanous.
It happened during dinner.
She only realized it when it was too late.

Her first dinner companion was a man whom she had assured her heart beat for him alone.
He watched it batter in its cage, no matter whom she talked to, no matter who caught her eye.
Her heart, he concluded, was a traitor, equally happy with any of the men around the table.
This first man was a coward. He crawled out the bathroom window.

The second man had once, or so she had confessed to him, crushed her heart.
This man too saw what the first man had seen: A taut drum humming happily as it pumped her blood around. It did not need fixing. No rebuilding of any kind was indicated.
The second man was an engineer, and so he muttered something under his breath -- a dog that needed walking -- and slouched off to his car.

Man number three had often cursed her. Why did she spurn his advances? You, woman, have no heart!
This man had tried to win said non-existent heart by extolling the woman’s inner beauty; now he leaned back, glass of brandy in hand, and watched. The peristaltic motion of her esophagus got him vaguely hot and bothered; he felt for the feisty fingers of her gut, vainly fumbling for some truth.
This man was wise; he knew not to bother with her heart’s content.
He looked into her skull instead, yearning for some sparks of soul, some fireworks of inspiration.
He saw none.
He sighed.
Then he wiped his plate clean with the last of the tortillas, took a final swig of Courvoisier, and kissed her.
As fully expected, she hit him on the head with her heavy-duty purse.

She was alone at last.

The waiter came to clear the table.
He showed no surprise. He knew she was a writer. To writers, this kind of thing simply happens.
The waiter was helpful too.
He wheeled in a full-length mirror, so she could, in peace, observe her inner turmoil.
Then he handed her the check.
And a giant tube of pink poison ivy goo.

Friday, April 4, 2008

THE EXISTENCE OF DOGS

Due to the existence of dogs, today's BBQ will be held in the gym and no dogs are allowed.